How to Parent a Chameleon
Why does my child act like whichever friend they are around?
I remember on several occasions wondering what was wrong with my child. One day she would act super sweet, another day more mouthy, another day she would talk with a lisp, and yet another day she would use a whole new set of vocabulary words that were not her norm.
What I discovered was that my child was a chameleon. Chameleon’s are these fascinating creatures that blend into their environment in order to protect themselves from predators. They were created with the uncanny ability to turn into a deep green to mimic the leaves they decide to hide in, or perhaps a bright red or lovely solid blue, not to mention the many variations of stripes or patterns they can adopt. It is quite mesmerizing to watch the process of this transformation.
In this case, my daughter was changing based on who she played with that day. If she had one consistent bestie, she would begin to adopt his or her mannerisms, speaking patterns and mood. This seemed understandable, but what really threw me was when she would find a new friend that day and behave completely differently. As humans, we seek consistency. We can handle those around us as we learn their quirks and differences, but when we have to relearn those over and over – that can be exhausting,
Sure, we admire their ability to read the room and pick up on nuances of other’s behavior and the effortless way they adopt those norms. It has to be a skill to be able to recognize and adapt, right? The problem is most children are not aware they are even doing this. Which means, they can convince themselves that what they are experiencing is a true personal desire for a specific behavior.
When it comes to our children, having a chameleon who melds to his or her surroundings can be concerning for a few reasons:
- If every new thing is continually tried on like a coat to put on and take off, your child will struggle with a sense of identity.
- Because your child can so easily adapt to the behavior of others and even empathize with those behaviors, she or he may struggle to see when a behavior is dangerous or short sighted.
Your child’s identity development is pretty important. When they have a sense of who they are, what they value, and what makes them unique, they can stand firm and feel much more grounded in an ever-changing world. Helping them discover and appreciate those unique qualities is one of the most rewarding things as a parent.
God made each and everyone of us unique with strengths to celebrate in and weaknesses to overcome. We want to walk them through that process so they have a good sense of self awareness and are able to navigate the uniqueness of others. However, if those are constantly in flux, if they cannot get a handle on identifying who they are and being true to those values, they will feel very unbalanced. This can be even more difficult if those they are around have the same chameleon personality.
Another real concern is that your child will not be able to discern the behavior of others when it becomes risky or dangerous. Their internal compass does not shoot off alarms when things go outside their comfort zone, because they haven’t really established that zone.
What to do to help:
When children are young, between the ages of 4 and 7, and you notice that they act like those they are around even for short periods, just mention it without any real indicator that it is good or bad. Just make them aware of the behavior. Saying something like, “Wow, you sounded just like Anna when you said that.” Or “Did you play with Joey today? You seem to be picking up on some of his behaviors.”
As children grow older, make the observation and ask them questions, “Do you know who you remind me of right now?”; “It’s interesting that you are talking with an accent like your friend, Hannah, what does that feel like?” “You seem to only want to do puzzles right now, is that something you learned from Joy?”
It’s also helpful for kids to find their voice about what they value. They can admire something in someone else and you can help them articulate. “Joy really loves puzzles and you are getting really good at them. What kind of skills does it take to do puzzles well?” If they struggle to articulate, help them. Saying something like, “I sometimes get impatient or frustrated when I do puzzles. You are showing a lot of patience and you seem to find the piece so quickly. You might have really good spatial relationship skills.”
Another example might be: “Wow, you sounded really bossy. Is that how you want to be?” “How do you feel when others are being bossy with you?”
You’ll notice these are not negative comments about the fact that your child is trying new things nor is it attacking their friends for behaviors they may have, it’s just raising awareness for your child to start thinking about what makes them unique and what they really want to value. Over time, as they have the opportunity to talk these things out or mull them over, they will notice it’s a lot easier to just be ME.